Friends Who Ignore You So They Can Have Sex All the Time and Think That This is an Acceptable Way to Treat Any Human Being, Let Alone One You Call Your Best Friend

So apparently "aloha" is the Hawaiin word for hello and not the spell for opening locks. Thanks, Chris. Thanks for pointing that out - AFTER I'd been trying to get out of the handcuffs for half an hour.

With Chris Allover Wood, that leaves me exactly zero attractive boys to hit on. Although Dean Thomas is looking kind of yummy. The furrows of his brow give him a thoughtful roguishness, while the vaguely gay school-issue scarf softens the edges, and, I imagine, keeps his neck warm.

I'm really not that great at magic. Yesterday Professor McGonagall called me, "worse than that fucking gamekeeper Dumbledore still seems to think will play a significant part in the fate of the wizarding world." Is it my fault this school doesn't offer anything that I excel at, like drinking and couched racism? Isn't there a spelling bee or something?

I know a spell that heals the blues. It's called cake. Maybe if Chris wasn't relentlessly stroking Morning Wood, he and I could sneak into the kitchen and order the house elves to make us some. *Sigh.*

I peed in a cup to see if I could turn it into wine, or at least give it to Harry Potter, but then I tried it and I'd turned it into green tea Crystal Light. Actually it might have still been urine, I don't know how you'd tell the difference.

So in History of Magic class, we have to do this big research report at the end of the semester. I'm probably gonna do mine on Nicholas Flammel, the guy who discovered the philosopher's stone. I know about him from my dad, who was a Death Eater for a hot second back in the 80s, but only because he had them confused with Deadheads.

Gaaaaawwwwd, I'm so bored. Where's Chris? Chris? Uhhhh. I can't wait til we learn a spell for silencing bedsprings. I think I have a gum infection, but I refuse to go to the hospital ward because they'll give me all kinds of holistic shit. I'm not gonna accept bat ears in place of Percocet, no way no how.

Can I just say something about the food here? The vegetarian option is always blackbean burgers.

I'm gonna slip a note under the door letting Chris know that I'm off to find a fucking Meijer so I can get a Betty Crocker mix and shoplift some Biolage.

Later, Diary.

Jill